Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
