I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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