Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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