you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
