Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
