I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
