I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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