I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How external is "for external use only"?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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