I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
