have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
