Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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