I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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