Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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