im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
someone owes me an orgasm
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
