I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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