just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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