I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i now understand why vodka
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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