I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
