You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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