Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
