I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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