I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
