My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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