This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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