My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
