I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The struggles of a small town man whore
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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