Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
That accounts for only three of the penises
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
