Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
