Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
