I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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