Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
