I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
