I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
