My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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