Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
