I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
