I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
