I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
