Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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