I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
