we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
