every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
