The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
