did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
