Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
