I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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