Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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