Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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