We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
