Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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