So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
